May 30, 2025
To the mother of my cat (the grey kittie in the parking lot): Wherever you are, I want you to know that your daughter is safe, that she has a family that loves her; I want you to know that she sleeps warm at night and is always being petted and fed. I want you to know that she is doing really well and, that wherever you are right now, your primal, pure love for your daughter wasn't in vain, because, finally after the cold, dirty parking lot, there is a family that takes care of her and loves her as if she has always be with them. And to you, who are reading this: maybe one day, I'll tell you this story.

May 15, 2025
I feel so dumb, it's just so easy to feel that way, it's really appalling. I don't know what's going on, what is all of this about, because everytime, I swear, every fucking time I start to feel nearly happy, something ruins it. It's like I find myself stumbling against walls. Is there a cure for this? Every word I say is somehow wrong and every feeling I have is intense and everything just seems like too much. Again, what the hell is going on? It wasn't always like this. What changed? I don't want to keep feeling like this big crying idiot. I'm such an idiot, fuck.

May 14, 2025
There's always a tomorrow.

May 9, 2025
I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired. Every day I wake up and I wait for the day to end. How can I let myself live like this? What have I've done? I'm tired of hearing that I'm an idiot, that I'm pathetic, that I'm weak. So, so tired. And, oh my fucking god, why does she has to make everything so complicated? It's driving me insane. One of these days, I swear one of these days I'm gonna...I'm gonna, I don't know. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. How I wish the world would end, right here, right now. But it'll pass. Will it pass?

May 1st, 2025
It really baffles me the amount of rage and sadness I am capable of harbor. I really, really, don't get it. Where does it come from? Sometimes I'd be so pissed off about the smallest things, and I'd star to think, and think and think more shit that makes me angrier and then I'd start feeling like this deep, poisonous sadness and then I'd think of more shit that makes me angry again and so on, so on. It's just to tiring. The worst part is that I feel like I'm manic, like I'm losing my mind, because everyone around me just seems to be really confused by my logic and thought process and feelings. And I don't understand that type of reaction because I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, I mean I'm not the first person to ever feel like this. So talking to other people doesn't help me, it just make me feel like I'm crazy, over-the-top, lunatic even. Sometimes my mom tell me "you're really fucked up for the life you've had" and she's right, maybe you expect me to have a lousy childhood, well surprise I did not, actually I've had a pretty normal life, some would even say sheltered (except for y'know bullying at school and some particular events, but it's still average), so I always conclude that I'm the problem. I'm the stain in the carpet, the elephant in the room. How do I even stop feeling like this? Everything would be easier if it just stops, whatever it is. It's getting more and more appalling because, these last days, my perception of time has changed for the worst, like I constantly confuse days (rarely I do know what day is it), I don't distinguish wakefulness from sleep, I imagine things so vividly that I confuse them with memories, and actual memories seem blurry and bizarre, even hours seem weird to me. The other night I went to bed crying because I had this impending feeling that time was running out for me, it's like a big, bad clock ticking in my head. I'm sick of myself, I'm sick of hearing all the shit I say to myself. I'm too in tune to die and to mad to live.

April 23, 2025
Life for sure looks pretty cool when you leave a molecular biology lab with all the righst answers. It was so fun, our teacher was the best.

April 21, 2025
The pope dying the day after easter sunday is so ironic. See what I mean when I tell you the world is weird? I feel like I live in a South park episode since 2019. Are "coherence" and "hope" even a thing nowadays? The world is waiting for something, it has big, big expectations, but we don't know what are we waiting for, do you?

April 19, 2025
I've been having this really intense dejá-vùs. They're not exactly dejá-vùs, it is as if for a brief moment a little window to the future opens and I can perceive what's going to happen next. It's really fucked up because I would wake up and be like "I feel like today X person is going to ask me about Y at college" and then it happens. For a while I've been feeling like the layers are overlaping, constantly, and I try to grasp something, but it slips trough my fingers like water. Now I can't remember how my dreams begin or end and what is real feels dream-like and dreams feel like genuine memories of the past. The other part of the time I'm not wondering about the nature of what's infront of my eyes, I'll be staring at things and thinking they look slightly different, for example, the other day I was staring at some green area in my college and the color of the sun hit different, at that moment I realized that everything seemed different, more beautiful, more real, but this realness made it seem like something out of other place. I never realized until that moment. We're living in such a curious world. Nothing makes sense, but we still force ourselves to think everything has a clear purpose and meaning. No, it doesn't. Everyday I live with this strong sensation that the world has endend a long time ago and we were just too busy to notice it. I can't help but wonder, we are we going?

April 5, 2025
"Wish me luck", I was desperate. I didn't even realized what I wrote. Passed all of my exams, but burocracy is such a pain in the ass. My birthday was pretty nice, the most cloudy day in the month, but the cake was cool. Things have never worked, y'know all of the paperwork, public services, coexistence normatives, common sense stuff. It has alway been bad, but the weird part (for me), is that everyone always act like everything has worked since forever, they always say that normal is normal, but it really it isn't. Everything that is supposed to happen, it never happens. We live in a weird, weird world, and that's the norm.

March 7, 2025
Heavy, heavy test season around the corner. Just in the week of my birthday. Wish me luck. I expect to add two/three new movies reviews in my secret reviews page. Again, wish me luck.

March 2, 2025
It's been two days since I got my birth chart analyzed as an early birthday gift. It was so good, like everything fit perfectly with different aspects of my personality. I don't know why, but I keep seeing moths and insects at every corner of my house and even, I've caught ants walking in my skin. So I'm kind of paranoid whenever I feel my arms itching. I want to watch so many movies, but I feel like I don't have enough time.

February 26, 2025
I swear these are signs of the apocalypsis. I feel like, indeed, the world it's coming to an end and that we're happy about it. Nobody wants to keep paying taxes or live the consecuences of their mistakes. We're screwed.

February 25, 2025
Even tho, I have this weird (yeah, again) sensation that time is running out, let's say I let myself be happy.

February 24, 2025
Dude, I really been having really weird dreams lately. Yesterday I dreamed that my friend died and I was so sad, because he's young and all that stuff and when I told him that, he said he actually had a near-death experience that night. And today I dreamed that I was watching this really good movie and its name was something along the lines of "Dark Phoenix" (Phoenix like the city in Arizona, no the mythological creature) and had been released in 1997. I remember that it took place in a desert and that the protagonist was this cool guy with dark sunglasses and his group fighted against werewolves/cryptids in the desert. I swear it was like so interesting in my dream, like I was really hooked.

February 22, 2025
Weird things happening. I'm better, but I've been so sad this whole month. It's like I entered some kind of sadness dimension. Everything seemed more hopefull in January. Well, I guess that's how things are. I have so many movies to watch and review and I fear times is getting shorter. In March (just in my birthdate date, 18th) I have a shitone of pending exams. Will I survive that? I hope so. Things shouldn't feel so wrong and so right at the same time. I'm such a dreamer, that's dangerous. You shouldn't float in your own little world all day, that's impractical. But here I am. Let's say I'm waiting for a signal that things are really going to get better. Sometimes I have this strong presentiment that I'm going to get out of this country in just a couple of years and I going to get married so young. I don't know why. Meanwhile I'll try to find a way out of this sadness dimension.

February 12, 2025
I cried a lot. I hurt a lot. Today I dreamed that someone loved me, he had blonde, long hair like shoulder length and he loved me so much. But I also made a promise to myself: I don't know how nor when, but my life is going to be so great that this will become a bad memory. Just a bad memory. I'm going to have such a great life, that none of this will matter to me in the future. I'm destined to big, brilliant things. I'm going to be so happy, I promise.

February 6, 2025
These are sad days. I wish they weren't tho, I try not to feel this way, but the weight of my life is sometimes crushing.This is rotting me from the inside. When does it get better? Will it get better?

February 5, 2025
Very sad day. Won't elaborate.

February 4, 2025
In days like these I fucking hate the world. I try not to, but I give in. I hate the world, I feel like everywhere I go I will found myself not belonging, facing human misery. I could be on fucking Atlantis and I'd still feel the same way. There's no "exit door" to the misery. I really try not to think this way, but every moment I spend here proves me wrong. Is there really no way out?? I'm not asking for a fucking paradise, I'm just asking for a place to rest, to be in silence. No, I don't think I'm suicidal. I have thought of death a lot of times before and even ways to end my life, but I don't think I would act upon these thoughs, I just entertaing the idea. I hope it pass, I woke up in a bad mood, maybe tomorrow I won't hate the world. Maybe tomorrow I won't think so much of death. Sometimes, I wish my life felt like a movie.

February 1, 2025
What's wrong with me? My head has been hurting for two days and my left eye has turned red and the other one can't stop shaking. Maybe I need to sleep more, there's nothing a good nap can't solve. I like the number 19. You know, I always talk about how lonely I am and tecnically, I'm not alone at all: recently I've made a new friend from college plus two other friends I already have and I have my parents (mom, overall) and stuff, but I am the problem. I intrisically feel alone and I've felt this way since childhood (like before kindergarden), and that's because I don't connect to a deep level with people. But I have to do better, I can't always be stuck in this position of "I am mysanthropic, but I'm not", I have to do better.